Dress Code. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you’re doing well financially and therefore don’t need an increase. If you dress poorly, you need to know how to manage your money better, so you could buy nicer clothes, and therefore you don’t need a raise. If you dress just right, you’re right where you need to be and therefore you don’t need a raise either.
Sick Days. We will no longer honor a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to see a doctor, you are able to come to the office.
Personal Days. Each employee will receive 104 personal days. They are collectively called Saturdays and Sundays.
Bereavement Leave. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do about dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Noise. A 3-minute time limit will be strictly enforced in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.