If one has to solve a problem, it is always wise to know the problem first before one tries to make a solution. Knowing the problem is already half the solution, as my professor puts it. In many instances, I find it very unchallenging to identify the real problem in every tricky situation. But what about those that are naturally complicated? How would you deal with those marvels and complexities?
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Ever since I opened up for relationships way back in college, I was dragged from one brief affair to another. I was looking for answers and was experimenting at the same time. Though I know exactly why I was experimenting, I guess I am still clueless as to what answers I was looking for until now. I thought I was looking for love, so I promised to find it. In a much unexpected way and timing, along came Aso.
Each time I muse over that afternoon ride, I can’t help but wonder as to what force made it possible to happen. For some who heard the story, I know they would simply sort it as either an act that is clearly desperate or some kind of a momentous twist of fate. But from that crazy moment, I expected something from a relationship like I never did before. I did hope it will not end up as yet another jiffy affair. He’s still romantically involved to someone else at that moment, but theirs was way too complicated that they ended up ending their own brief affair that day. In that very same day, we commemorate the foundation of our own romantic journey.
During the first months of our secret liaison, we never argued about anything, and I find it both weird and fantastic. I always, or often, argue with friends, relatives and with people that are close to me, so I find it weird that he’s always in agreement with my own decisions, and vice versa. On the other hand, I also thought it’s fantastic because maybe—and only maybe—we’re just that compatible. There was no sign of reluctance or weariness, until both of us started to sense an unknown assassin that was slowly killing the bond that keeps us together.
I have been unfaithful to him, and I was not really proud about it. I was always full of guilt and, as a matter of fact, that guilty feeling always led to my failure in bed when I tried to sleep with other guys (or girls?). Of those spur-of-the-moment explorations, only one actually succeeded. I confessed everything to him, only to find out he had his own explorations, too. Note: Successful explorations, for that matter. I couldn’t stay mad, but we broke up for few days.
I wasn’t that devastated while we stayed apart, and he’s not showing any sign of devastation, either. However, we both realized that, for some reasons, our relationship is still worth keeping. I’ve never been unfaithful ever since, but he has been consistently suspicious about me until now. On the other hand, I trust him completely. I’m not sure how you would see it, but I trust him completely that even if he would tell me his straight male model friend planted a friendly kiss on his cheeks thrice, I won’t feel any jealousy in my bone.
Recently, we always argue over small things he accused me of doing. I may have given it a thought, but I never lied to him ever since the break-up happened. Never cheated, never schemed, and never slept with other guys again. I feel bad thinking that he couldn’t trust me when we shared same history before. I may not be so expressive in words, but I believe I am in actions.
It has been a year and 4 months already, and I still can’t believe that I can finally make it this far (and, yes, counting). The longest relationship I had before only lasted for about 5 months. One lesson I learned so far: It will always remain a big challenge for us to keep a relationship going. One has to be patient when the other is infuriated, or be understanding when the other is hysterical. No matter what happen, one should keep his composure all the time. For when he starts to stop trying, everything, I guess, will be put to an end.
Our relationship is definitely not perfect, and we’re not striving to create one. There will always be unknown assassins and bunch of tricky instances, and that’s why we’ll always continue to argue over small things.
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